I love you! I just met you at the wrong time.

 25th Dec 2022

This pic in A=EMC's cubicle that led me foolishly to think she had options... sorry

This letter is to a woman, no a queen that I met and loved and hurt and lost.  Her name will be A Equals E-M-C  or A = EM- Cee but for this purpose, A= will be used to represent this queen.  

I met A= first at my local church.  It was casual and I was acquainted with her because I was in church leadership and her sister's (she has 4 OMG and all queens) husband was also in leadership but not in a paid capacity.  She was with a guy from a neighboring city and had no children.  Fast forward I am still in ministry and A= now has a child with a boyfriend soon-to-be husband.  I am happy in my relationship and am content and never looked at her with the interest of a girlfriend or a lover.  A= and her boyfriend are friends with one of my best friends in the world. His name is NonFiction or C Nile for this letter.  C Nile and his girl from east St are friends with A= and her man Tall Folks.  A= is getting married to him.  I am invited bc my dude C Nile is DJaying the wedding.  Of course, I and my girl/wife are going to check it out.  I go to Tall Folk's bachelor party.  I am late and I took my dude T wade with me.  He's good Elkhart people.  

Fast-forward, A= is having problems in her relationship and I have problems in mine due to reason too far to go into detail but were not connected in any way.  We lost touch I did not see her until I was estranged from my then-wife.  I mean years go by I am out running an event and tending to the work of the community. A= up with her boy Nicky the one.  C Nile and his girl are there and I snap a pic working with the kids.  This is that pic'

I can't find the picture, but when I do, I will post it here.  I have pics on three different Macs depending upon the year of the iPhone.  I've had a host of them... Let me tell you...  A= always called apple the devil.  A= was cute with her inferior droid phone but she was right with her Kelly school of business self Droid or Linux-based Free source was the way to go.  I still love Apple and hope they come to their senses before Mars boy gets his way.  anyways where was I, oh yeah.  

https://www.instagram.com/p/uBSMzxrj-lIHGTC2BM68e9TP67eFufI6Yr3qM0/

If that doesn't open I A= gave me her car to go see Nas perform Illmatic, which was the first time I have truly heard that album all the way through.  I was more than a fan after this and well on my way to declaring Nasir as the Greatest of all rhyme writers including myself lastly in the conversation, but would love to run with God one day if I could keep up.  I went home from the Nas concert to her and made love all night until the morning.  We would go into her garage, where she parked her Honda Coupe and smoke cigarettes.  We'd talk.  I built her a fire pit behind her house and we hosted a party for some of her friends.  We walked the pumpkin trail and A= would cook the most amazing potato soup.  I loved so much about her.  I did begin drinking heavily and this more than anything impacted our relationship.  I have a devious laugh when I consume alcohol.  Everything seems to be funny to drink me.  Let me also share that at the time of typing this (28th Jan 2023) I have been sober from liquor for 7 yrs to the glory of Jesus.  The laugh though, one-night A= was driving back the cheesehead state she called and I had too much to drink and was on foolishness, it was at this point I knew that I had gone too far and had to leave the life of this good woman.  I was on a spiral that required the help of professionals to prohibit me from killing myself, or someone else or ending up in jail.  

At this exact moment in my life, I had begun to go through a crisis, in which i saw all white people as not sympathetic to the plight of black people.  This was about the time of the documentary, the 13th explaining slavery and the systems of oppression imposed on blacks in America.  A= was a white queen of French descent.  Tall, Blue eyes and Brown beautiful hair.  her figure was unlike any woman I had ever called my own. Complete, full figured thick and tall.  We fit wonderfully.  She said that I was shaped like a model and she was my own personal love, Cleopatra.  I mentioned to A= about white privilege and she didn't agree and couldn't fully comprehend how her father being a white man (light pale skin) had more opportunities than I would as a black man in America.  This wounded my heart and I thought that I should move on but between the drinking Please see my piece on my mother, Changing careers and the mayhem I was wrecking in my own life, i thought it better to not burden A=/. I also mentioned to A= that I needed to move back home with my mom and she told me that she and Nicky needed better and more than that.  After all, TLC says a scrub is a man who lives with his momma.  A= and I looked at houses and I worked for a middle school at the time.  I had put in my resume with the local Boys&Girls Club and was planning a shift in my life.  I also served on several boards in the community for non-profit agencies.  One of the boards I served on as the development director had a young women who was the executive director.  This would prove to be very challenging as she pursued me from the day she recruited me for service on her board.

Me service on this particular board as began an entanglement that was spurred by my job  and my participation in the community.  I won't speak much about this bc it's painful and I'd like to make a video one day.  Let’s say the executive director knew more about me than I did her and used a relationship with another person from my past to gain trust and openness that she wouldn’t have had access too. I began to have committee meetings with the executive director. She text me one day while I was sleep at A= house. The text read, I want you too.   How’d she know I was there and why did it say that. Long story short, the executive director has a son and A= has a son and both boys were playing in a chess club in a small city adjacent to mine. The exec dir approached A= and said she had or was dating me. A= was furious and texted me to say how hurt she was by my actions. I never meant for this to happen. Allow me to say I also was falling deeper and deeper into alcoholism, which was encouraged by the executive director. This in non-profit leadership and operations know of the line of separation between board and staff. A physical relationship with a staff member was immoral, unethical and could have been illegal. I excused myself from the board.  

Some have spoken on pills and A=, well the truth was sometimes I did take some pills and sometimes I didn't but every time I was me working what God gave me and sharing my soul.

 Anyways, I wrote this song for A=

I will say more... ?but for now this is the truth...

I broke A='s heart.  I betrayed A=s Trust. Worst of all I let down A='s son who looked up to me.  Nicky plz forgive me, and A=EM-C  if you read this, forgive me and plz let's go to church together at each other's churches and let us get married.  I love you and am sorry.  

If I have damaged you too much and if you are unable to forgive me, I understand.  Just know I was broken not you. I was unfaithful, not you.  I was a jerk and very insensitive. Please forgive me even if we can be together. I will always love and admire you. You will always be me theory of relativity.